- If you’re a piece of shit, stop being a piece of shit. Most people don’t realize that being a piece of shit is extremely fucking expensive. You hang around with destructive people that cause drama and coerce you into non-optimal choices like wasting your money on drugs, alcohol and awesome tats, get you in trouble with the law, steal used condoms out of the trash and get themselves pregnant so they can stake a claim to your future paychecks, etc.
- Track all your expenses for a month. Identify everything you dont absolutely have to have to thrive. Reduce your cable service to basic, and keep the digital box ONLY for UFC ppv. NO PORN, you lazy dipshit. Get off your ass and get porn free on the internet, not $14.95 on PPV. Everything else you dont need? Stop buying that shit.
- Carefully go over your food purchases. Any food that doesn’t contribute to optimal nutrition, stop buying it. Look for ways to buy in bulk for cheap, healthy, home cooked meals. You don’t need those potato chips, fatass. Stop eating out.
- Park the truck, drive the Escort. You’ll look like a faggot, but you’ll save on gas. At $3.50 a gallon, that shit adds up quick.
- If you have extra, liveable space, rent it out. This can be as easy as putting a trailer in your back yard and letting one of your degenerate family members rent it. He can come inside to shit during appointed hours, but he should be warned to never make eye contact with anyone else in the house. If he follows these rules, you’ll barely even know he’s there.
- Sell that piece of shit car you’re never going to rebuild. What the fuck made you think you were smart enough, and well financed enough to restore that rusting hunk of metal back its former glory? You were drunk, obviously. Sell it to another drunk, and put it behind you for good. While you’re at it, find anything else in your garage that you can convert to cash.
- Gather all your bills up. Make only minimum payments. But find the smallest debt, and pay it down to zero as quickly as possible. Take the next smallest debt, and pay that one down to zero. And so on and so on. This is similar to a plan promoted by a dude named Dave Ramsey.
- Work any extra hours you can / find side jobs.
- Profit.
Archives: February 2012